Teenager no longer...
I haven't been as bad as I could have been, but I certainly could have been better;
angst, depression, suicidal contemplation, many parental disputes, fanfiction (hah), smoking, drinking, (mild) pill abuse, snogging randoms, falling in love...
I wouldn't wish anyone to EVER lead the life I've left as a teenager. Most of it was very dark. I joke these days that I've gotten younger as I've become older, because I've become happier. I think it's very true. It's taken me 20 years, really, to accept that it's actually okay to be happy. That being a matyr doesn't necessarily lead to success, nor is it worth it.
But, save for one thing which I don't think I'll ever accept, I wouldn't change it. Every mistake I've made, every bout of depression I've come out of has made me stronger. I think it's also helped me empathise with people much better as well. For some reason, everyone comes to me with their problems. I may meet someone, and within hours they're pouring out to me their life problems.
I'm cautious when I say this (because a lot of you seem to be aspiring writers and I am in NO way suggesting you adopt the above list of things I've experimented with) but I also think it's helped me with my writing. I just wrote a personal reflection on each year of my life as a teenager, and only then did I truly realise how much of my younger teenage self I put into Helen's character.
Because TGM was originally meant to be a story which I was writing for myself only, I made Helen have all my problems. I made her suffer through the issues I had suffered (worse, in many cases) in a subconscious attempt to understand myself.
The strange thing is that, after I finished writing TGM, Helen was certainly her own character and not like me at all. But, once I had finished, I realised that I had finally accepted my earlier teenage years for what they were.
Through writing, I had unknowingly healed many deep wounds which I had been ignoring or knew not how to deal with.
When I finished writing TGM, whilst I was at peace with my past, I realised that I no longer knew who I was anymore- because I certainly wasn't who Helen turned out to be.
As crazy as it sounds, finishing TGM (and starting uni) launched me into a huge identity crisis. I spent much of my 18th year in a haze of denial.
When I turned 19, I forced myself to forget TGM. It's been a very long time since I last read it, and I think that's very healthy for me. For now, at least. VmM doesn't count. At 19, I started to let go. I started buying clothes I liked, instead of saving every cent. The boost in image really did a lot for my self-esteem.
I started smiling more, and found that I was the opposite of the introvert I had always thought myself to be.
But, of course, I had those few very dark and scary months where I developed a small habit, stopped going to uni, and sunk back into a depression similar to the frightening one I had when I was 13.
So no, I haven't been like one of those super cool and oh so romantically tortured teenagers of Skins, but I don't think that means that I've had any less issues than they have.
Whilst I was very apprehensive to leave my teenage years behind me, now I've come to embrace the opportunity for a fresh start; the chance to be happier, healthier, more organised... and generally have more fun.
If I've learnt anything from being a teenager, it's that life is short. I have no idea how long I have left here, or what Fate has in store for me.
And so, I'd like to try enjoying every day from now on. To find a reason to smile. To never return to those times of darkness which will always shadow my teenage years whenever I remember them.
Oh look. It's 12 am. Seems like it's time for that fresh start. If you're reading this, help me out by smiling.
I am.
<3
